Screamin' Greenies

Our new strategy for getting the kids to eat vegetables is pretty easy. For us at least.

1. Everything goes on the plate. A little bit of something on every kid's plate.

2. You don't have to eat it. But it must be allowed on the plate. Not near it. Not on the napkin. Or flung across the room. On the plate.

3. No editorializing. No complaining about the food on your plate. This is perhaps my favorite piece because it applies to adults too.

4. You can run, but you can't hide. You don't even have to finish what's on your plate. But if you don't try the vegies, there will be no dessert (on week nights it's no bedtime cookie).

We were doing okay until the night I put broccoli on the kids' plates.
Olivia: Do you expect us to eat that?
Elizabeth: Why, yes, I do. I think you'll like it, Olivia.
Olivia: Okay.
Carter: I am not eating that.
Olivia: Me either. I'm not eating that.
Elizabeth: Okay. But no ice cream for dessert.
Carter: That is not fair.
Elizabeth: I know. Here you go.
Carter: (sobs, if he could run and hide from it, he would) I am not eating that!
Elizabeth: Are you afraid of broccoli?
Olivia: laughs
Carter: Yes!
Elizabeth: You're afraid of broccoli? What will happen if you eat broccoli? You think you'll explode?
Carter: (pouts and laughs) Yes!
Olivia: (sobs) I want ice cream.
Elizabeth: Then you need to try the broccoli.
Olivia: I wish I was a toy so I didn't have to eat broccoli.
Elizabeth: They look like little trees. (I know! Who has this ever convinced!) Try it.

Olivia hesitantly takes a bite. Screams. Spits it out.
Carter: I am not eating that!
Elizabeth: Then there won't be any ice cream.
Carter: I'm done.
Elizabeth: You're not going to eat your spaghetti?
Olivia: Me neither.
Elizabeth: Why not? You don't like the broccoli. That's no reason you can't eat the rest of your food.
Carter: I don't want to eat. Can I be excused?
Elizabeth: Okay. But there won't be anything later.

Olivia hangs on thinking she'll convince me. Eventually Roger and Marshall leave the table. It's just me and Olivia left.

Olivia: Mommy? I'm hungry.
Elizabeth: There's spaghetti. And broccoli.
Olivia: I can't eat that!
Elizabeth: But you can have strawberry ice cream after.
Olivia: I can't eat it!
Elizabeth: How about you just try a small one?
Olivia: No! (pause) Okay. (takes a nibble)

Roger returns with Marshall (who's now in his jammies).
Olivia: Daddy! I'm eating broccoli!
Roger: That's so great, Olivia.

10 minutes later.
Carter: Can I have some ice cream?
Elizabeth: Did you eat any broccoli?
Carter: No.
Elizabeth: I'm sorry. No dessert.
Olivia: I love broccoli! Can I have more?

Another Brief Lesson in Marriage

On the train ride up to Burlingame Friday, the following conversation took place:

O: Mom? Will they arrest you if you marry someone from your family?
E: No. They won't arrest you, but it's against the law.
O: If it's against the law, why won't they arrest me?
E: Because some things are against the law, but the police don't get involved.
O: They won't arrest me?
E: Why? Is there somebody in the family you want to marry?
O: Yes. Marshall.
E: You can't marry Marshall.
O: When he grows up?
E: No. Not when he grows up.
O: But why can't I marry Marshall?
C: I want to move to another country so I can marry Owen.
E: Why do you have to move to another country?
C: Because they won't let you marry boys in this country.
O: I want to marry Elise!

Out of Nowhere

C: Mom? I don't want to move to Australia.

E: Why not?

C: They have man-eating, salt-water crocodiles.

E: That's a problem for you?

C: It sure is.

A Brief Lesson In Girls Marrying Girls

I had the following conversation with Olivia this morning. She'll be five next month so I can't get too detailed in answers about how reality works.

O: Do you know where I want to live when I grow up?
E: No where?
O: China. And I'm going to marry Nhya. Can girls marry girls?
E: Yes.
O: And boys?
E: If they want.
O: You don't go to jail for marrying a girl?
E: No. At least they don't do that.
O: If I went to jail for marrying a girl what would you do?
E: I'd be very angry and I would work to get you out of jail. And let everyone know how wrong it was that you were in jail for marrying a girl.
O: Do they throw kids in jail?
E: It all depends on what they do.
O: If I went to jail what would you do?
E: I'd hope you were visiting someone else.

Burning Bridges

I've burned many a bridge in my brief but exciting life, but never did I expect that one day I would blow it all at our local grocery store. We just needed to pick up a couple of things - yogurt tubes, bread, and eggs. A quick in and out even with three kids in tow, right? My god, we were there for about an hour and everyone in the store came to know us by the loud, piercing screams that emanated from the dairy section where we were lodged in a death dance while Olivia tried to decide whether she wanted blueberry or orange cream yogurt. "There's too many choices!" she screamed.

Cuppa cuppa hot hot hot

While I was spooning out cough medicine (homeopathic) for Olivia this morning we had the following exchange:

O: What if they had a medicine to take for work?
E: They do. It's called coffee.

Unrelenting Optimism

On the ride back from getting take-out tonight Olivia was showing me pages from her Bb book that she made in preschool today.

O: Look Mom! What's this?
E: I can't tell you. I'm driving.
O: Look in the mirror! See!
E: Olivia, it's not safe to distract the driver.
O: What?
E: It's not safe to ask Mommy to look at pictures while she's driving.
O: Oh.

Then Carter chimes in:
C: Right, Olivia. Because Mom could crash the car into something, it could explode and catch on fire.
O: And then we'd have to walk home?

Olivia's Corn Monologue & Song

Your mom likes corn.
Your dad likes corn.
You baby brother likes corn.
You don't like corn.
Your big brother doesn't like corn.
Your mom likes corn.
Your dad likes corn.
Your baby brother likes corn.
You don't
You don't
Like! Corn!
Your mom likes corn.
Your dad likes it
Your baby brother likes it
You Don't Like It!
Corn.
Mom likes corn
Dad likes corn
Your baby brother likes corn
Mom likes corn
Dad likes corn
Your baby brother likes corn
You don't
But your not scared of it.

Singing now:
Your little baby
brother
likes corn
But you say I don't like corn!
My mom
My dad
No one likes to worry
They like
They like corn.

Now singing to the tune of So Long Farewell from The Sound of Music:
They sing
They walk
They only get the plant
They walk and sing
Then they have the corn.
They dance
They eat
They really like corn
They don't know when they
find the corn
They sing and dance

Then they go to bed
They're tired
They're exhaust
Their bed
They really need it now.

I don't
I don't
I don't like corn
But I'm not afraid of it.

It's An Old Joke and One of My Favorites

We were having dinner tonight and Carter was looking at his Solar system placemat and explaining to me about all of the inconsistencies and downright errors.

Carter: Like Pluto's orbit intersects Neptune's!

At this point, Olivia leans over and examines the placemat.

She points to the Earth and completely deadpan says: You can see our house.

Even Marshall busted up over that one.

Funnier still: Carter actually looked for the house before he realized she was joking.

Perspective is All

Carter: So how much do you weigh?
Me: I'm not saying.
Carter: But this is my homework. We have to weigh something and we only have a people scale.
Me: Marshall weighs 20 pounds.
Carter: How much does Olivia weigh?
Me: About thirty pounds.
Carter: How much does Dad weigh?
Me: You'll have to ask him.
Carter: How much do you weigh?
Me: 160 pounds.
Carter: How much?
Me: 160 pounds.
Carter: 160 pounds! You could lift all my friends on the see saw! I weigh 60 pounds. Do you realize you weigh 99 pounds more than me?

Cute and Healthful

Carter: Here Mom. Happy Valentine's Day.

(Hands me a heart-shaped box with Cutie written on it and three Hershey's Kisses inside.)

Me: Thank you, Carter. I love chocolate.

Carter: I hope it's dark chocolate. It's better for your cholesterol.

The Possibilities are Endless

My 3 year old daughter, Olivia, has a couple of new catch phrases. The first is, "don't try this at home." Say she's wearing her dad's slippers and hanging upside down from the rocking footstool - that would be an instance where this phrase applies. Say she's on the dining room floor trying to slide her legs up the wall while holding onto a balloon or a baby or a bag of cereal - again, the phrase would apply.


The other new phrase is a bit more complicated in nature and in execution (so to speak). Say I tell her she can't jump on the new couch. She'll reply, "When you die, and Dad dies, and everyone in the world dies, and they don't come back: Carter, Marshall, and I will jump on the couch." Or say she's riding in her car seat and we're on the way to her Dad's office she might say something like, "When you die, and Dad dies, and everyone in the world dies, and my baby pretends to die, and no one comes back: I'm going to Taco Bell." She coined this phrase today and this is her accumulated list for the past 3 hours, plus the following - eat oatmeal cookies, eat a chocolate lollipop, buy a Barbie, sleep on all the beds at the mattress store. She's going to be one busy girl.

Finding Your Level

My son was in a bad mood yesterday at the park and told me that he wanted to be a reporter and tell everyone that the park needed to be cut down. I tried to engage him by getting him to write a story about it, but that only made him more frustrated. He told me, "Well, I'll just be the President. They don't have to know anything or listen to anybody. They can do whatever they want. I can have this park cut down then."

Thanks, George, for bankrupting our children's future and their minds.

In Transit

On the way to the ice cream store my 3 year daughter and 7 year old son engaged in one of their favorite topics of conversation:

O: How many times do you get dead?
C: Once. You only die once. You live once and you die.
Me: Some people believe in reincarnation. That you live life over and over again.
C: Yeah. I've heard of it. That happens with cats.

Mom?

C: Mom? When you were a kid did they have gaming systems?
E: No.
C: When did you get a gaming system?
E: When I was in college.
C: What was it?
E: An Atari.
C: What was your favorite game?
E: Megomania.
C: Mom? Did they have TV?
E: Yes.
C: Did you have elevators?

Priorities

Yesterday morning my daughter came up stairs from her bedroom calling:

O: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
M: Honey, what do you need?
O: I want my Daddy!
M: Would you like to call him at work?
O: I want to watch TV!

The Aliens Are Coming

"That looks like alien intestines!" My son, upon seeing me eat linguine with pesto sauce.

The Horns of Dilemma Are Solid

My son informed me today of the following:

Horn is hard skin with no hollow inside.
Antler is solid bone that has a hollow inside.

"So there's no being confused of a horn and an antler."














[this guy was in our backyard]