Armagiddiup!

The Oval Office. KARL ROVE’S face can be seen in a portrait of Abraham Lincoln. ROVE’S eyes dart back and forth as PRESIDENT BUSH sits at his desk and thinks. The sound of grinding gears and clanking machinery. BUSH thinks and thinks. The effort shows. DONALD RUMSFELD appears through a secret door in the floor and surprises the President.

BUSH: Dag-nab-it, Rummy. I’m tryin’ to fornicate a strategy for the mid-term elections.

RUMMY: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President. But I just need a little more money for the defense budget.

BUSH: How much we talkin' about?

RUMMY: Ten billion dollars.

BUSH: Where the hell am I supposed to come up with ten billion dollars?

RUMMY: Well, I was thinking...post 911, all the national monuments are a liability to us. Why don't we sell them off?

BUSH: Hmmmm. Let me think about that. (More grinding of gears)

CONNIE RICE enters.

CONNIE: Sir. Dab Bobertson and Rosemary Beard of the Christian Accord are waiting to speak with you.

BUSH: (Points to his Stetson) Candy, ma thinkin’ cap? Ma thinkin’ cap is still on!

CONNIE: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President, but they’ve been waiting for three days.

ROVE: (appears from Lincoln’s portrait, crazy hypno music plays) See Dab. Reconnect with your conservative base.

BUSH: Oh! Just when my brain was about to find the key to the door that unlocks the box to the windmills of my mind.

CONNIE: Maybe you can take a break now, sir. It’s good to give overworked muscles time to recover.

BUSH: You’re right! Send ‘em in. I need a breather.

DAB BOBERTSON enters with ROSEMARY BEARD, a goat)

BUSH: Bobertson? What do you mean bringin’ a goat into the Oval Office?

BOBERTSON: This is Rosemary. She’s a very special goat. Rosemary has the gift of prophecy.

BUSH: You interrupt my conjugatin’ with a prophesizin’ goat?

ROVE: (again with the crazy hypno music) Hear Dab out. The Lord has presented him with a new strategy that’ll seal our majority in the House and assure our future for eternity!

BUSH: What to do you all take me for? A complete idiot?

THEY ALL protest mightily.

ALL: Oh no sir. No sir. Not in a million years, sir.

ROSEMARY: Damn straight. I seen fence posts smarter than you boy!

BUSH: Who said that?

ROSEMARY looks completely innocent.

ROVE: It was the goat, sir.

BOBERTSON: I apologize. Rosemary may be a little short on manners, but she speaks the true word of God.

BUSH: So this goat is here to tell me that God thinks I’m an idiot?

ROSEMARY: No. God thinks you’re a moron. But you work with what you got.

BOBERTSON: Rosemary! Come on now. Tell the President what the Lord sent you here to say.

ROSEMARY goes into a trance. She sways and moans. She moves about the office assuming various poses as the spirit takes her, it looks a lot like a Madonna video. She breaks into song with the most angelic of voices.

ROSEMARY (SINGS)
Here ye! Here ye! The end is nigh!
Prepare the way for the Big Lord Guy!
We’re in the Last Days!
The Last Days!
Prepare the way! Prepare the way!

BUSH: Last days? What does that mean? Are we gonna lose our majority in the House?

BOBERTSON: Rosemary is talking about the Rapture. The Last Days when God returns to earth and runs it like He meant it to be run.

BUSH: How do you know that we’re in the Last Days?

CONNIE: Well, sir. The Last Days before the coming are filled with Tribulation and War.

RUMMY: Kind of like the way things are now, except God provides the “Shock and Awe.”

ROVE: Hurricanes, famines, pestilence…stuff like that.

BUSH: God’s asking me to step down from office?

BOBERTSON: No! You’re here to fulfill the Prophecy to fight the battle of Armageddon.

BUSH: Have you seen my popularity rating? We’ve lost all credibility on the war in Iraq, now I’m supposed to start another war?

ROVE: Technically, it’s not a war. It’s a battle.

BUSH: People are fed up with the war.

RUMMY: We’re talking about a battle. One measly battle. Come on; give me more money to fight the battle!

CONNIE: Rummy’s right, we don’t want to wait until the heavenly hosts are a seven-headed beast.

BUSH: We’ve got elections coming up! We need to focus on the issues.

RUMMY: Issues? What issues?

BUSH: People are worried about the economy.

ROVE: After the battle, there’ll be one thousand years of peace and prosperity. Even the peaceniks in San Francisco can get behind that.

BUSH: The people want us to decrease our dependence on oil.

They all laugh good-naturedly then spit.

BUSH CONT’D: Develop alternative energy sources.

They all laugh good-naturedly then spit.

ROVE: That’s the beauty of the plan. Behold! The Big Book of ROVE! Errr, I mean God!

The big Book of Rove, errr....G.O.D. appears from on high and flies open. A heavenly light shines from it and a choir of angels sings. ROSEMARY burps. ROVE takes hold of the book reverently and sings.

ROVE (SINGS)
It’s the war to end all wars!
For the justest cause of all.
No worries about the ozone,
the other shoe’s about to fall!

CONNIE (SINGS)
When you hear the thunder crashing
And see great plagues across the land
Don’t worry God is coming,
To fulfill His master plan.

RUMMY (SINGS)
If there’s an seven-headed beast
and the Whore of Babylon
You can bet your sweet patooty,
I’ve got my Armageddon on.

ALL (SING SOULFULLY)
Let’s get it on!

ROSEMARY burps.

DAB: Mr. President, you’re always saying that God speaks through you. Well, let me ask you this. Has He spoken to you lately?

DICK CHENEY ENTERS and sits at a desk and dials a phone.

BUSH: Now that you mention it. No.

The phone on the President’s desk rings.

ROVE: Mr. President. It’s God on the line.

CHENEY: (Cups hand over phone) Hey, Buckaroo. Did you get my message?

BUSH: Sure enough, Big Ace. The goat was a nice touch.

CHENEY: You’re on board then, right?

BUSH: I’m just concerned. It says in the Bible that the Anti-Christ starts the Battle of Armageddon. I’ve never thought of myself as an Evildoer.

CHENEY: Think of it this way, you’ll be doing My will by fulfilling the Prophecy. That doesn’t make you an Evildoer. That makes you…well, how do you feel about the Hand Puppet of God?

BUSH: Count me in, Big Guy. Count me in.

EVERYONE (SINGS)
The Rapture is a-coming
A great reckoning’s on the way
George Bush is the Anti-Christ
Who’s come to save the day!

ROSEMARY Burps.